I Can't Drive 55

It's true. I drive too fast -- and with an attitude. Oh I drive defensively, always watching out for the other guy. But I also drive with a purpose, or as family and friends like to say, I drive offensively.

When I set out in my car, I have some place to go and only so much time to get there. Those who are, shall we say, sight-seeing impede my purpose. I frequently remind those with whom I share the road how they can improve their driving skills. And, I believe, with some right to do so.

I make that claim because, in my 40 years of driving, I have been involved in two major accidents. And guess what? Neither were my fault and I could not do a thing to prevent either. Both were caused by others failing to drive with purpose, or any awareness of the world around them, catching me up in their oblivion.

The most recent one --  at least I walked away from that one with a few bruises.

My first accident cost me my car, my knee, the clothes I was wearing, and nearly my life. You know it's bad when the OHP officer looks in your car and says, "Oh my god, you're alive!" And, again, it all could have been prevented by driving with purpose and paying attention.

Now that we are living and driving in NW Ohio, I find my need to instruct other drivers has increased significantly. In the flatlands, stop signs on a country road are merely a suggestion. Farm equipment, particularly tractors and pick ups with grain wagons, always take the right of way. OK, I concede to the tractors. They are bigger and the equipment they pull would destroy any car. Battlebots come to mind, for some reason. But that stop sign is there for a reason -- because other cars are on the road!

And while stop signs appear to be a suggestion, these people won't turn right on red with a formal invitation. I don't know what you are waiting for, but if there is no sign and no traffic, make your damn turn! I know you all are conservative, but are you so far to the right that you can't even turn right on red?

Also, the damn center lane is for immediate turning, not for driving between stoplights! It's called a no-man's lane for a reason.

But the worst, and most dangerous, is your predilection for driving in the middle or on the wrong side of the road. If you wait too long, you hit me. If you overreact, your ass is in the ditch or the cornfield. It's all especially unnerving for someone who has been hit by an idiot driving/sliding on my side of the road. This isn't England, so get on your side of the fucking road and stay there!

My driving may not be perfect, but I don't get in anyone's way. I don't fart around in the road or when making a turn. I don't cut you off. I don't text and drive. I don't tailgate or make last minute decisions to turn. I haven't caused any accidents. Plus I use my turn signal indicator, which is more than most of you do.  But I do give you driving instructions, complete with sign language, frequently!

And, as a young friend recently pointed out, if you think Jesus is going to take the wheel, you'd better think again.